Hollywood Shorts: Unseen Faces

Charles Ray was a popular juvenile star in the 1910s and ’20s, but by the ’30s, his career was on the rocks, and he turned to writing. Here’s another in a series of offerings from his book, Hollywood Shorts, a collection of short stories set in Tinseltown.
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Unseen Faces


BOOTH FIVE: “You can’t rhyme anything with orange.”
“Yes, I can, honey. Syringe.”
“That’s stilly. Bet you can’t rhyme itsy-bitsy.’
BOOTH THREE: “Let’s play ‘As-low-as.’ You start it.”
“Well, I feel as low as an empty bottle.”
BOOTH SIX: “Boy, that’s low!” a drunk chimed in.
BOOTH FIVE: “Bet you can’t rhyme itsy-bitsy.”
“Wanta get me thrown out?”
BOOTH SIX: “Sure!”
BOOTH THREE: “I feel as low as a hiccup starts. Top that!”
“I feel as low as a gum wrapper in the subway.”
“Oh, cellophane!” the drunk humored.
BOOTH TWO: “An’ me with my pants down.”
“An’ then wad he say?”
BOOTH FIVE: “You can too, rhyme itsy-bitsy!”
BOOTH FOUR: “I just love champagne, don’t you?”
“Yeah. Waiter, two beers!”
BOOTH SIX: “Louse!”
BOOTH FIVE: “Go on, rhyme itsy-bitsy.”
BOOTH THREE: “As low as an elephant’s trunk.”
“As low as a dachshund’s pup.”
BOOTH SIX: “Oh, how low!”
BOOTH ONE: “Whaddya want for nuthin’?”
“Whaddya got?”
“That ain’t no way to act!”
BOOTH THREE: “As low as a torch-song’s wail.”
“As low as Moanin’ Low!”
BOOTH SIX: “Oh, remorse!”
BOOTH ONE: “I thought you said you liked me?”
“Whaddya expect in a restaurant?”
BOOTH SIX: “That’s dirty!”
BOOTH FIVE: “If you rhyme itsy-bitsy.”
BOOTH TWO: “So I says: Why should I?”
“An’ then wad he say?”
BOOTH FIVE: “Please rhyme itsy-bitsy for little girl?”
BOOTH SIX: “Rhyme bitsy for her, or I’ll go nuts!”
BOOTH THREE: “As low as an auto horn’s honk.”
“As low as a horse’s—“
BOOTH SIX: “Oh, be careful!”
BOOTH THREE: “A horse’s hoof.”
BOOTH SIX: “Oh, relief!”
BOOTH FIVE: “I will if you rhyme itsy-bitsy.”
BOOTH SIX: “Oh, rhyme itsy-bitsy!”
BOOTH THREE: “As low as an ant’s antennae.”
“As low as a flea’s Uncle Peter.”
BOOTH SIX: “There must be a mistake!”
BOOTH THREE: “As low as a thermometer’s bottom!”
BOOTH SIX: “Oh, I can’t take it!”
BOOTH FIVE: “Gotta rhyme itsy-bitsy!”
BOOTH TWO: “So I says: You’re no gentleman!”
“An’ then wad he say?”
BOOTH ONE: “Can’t, got to powder my nose.”
“Can’t you do two things at once?”
BOOTH SIX: “Oh, I’m passin’ out! Waiter!”
BOOTH FIVE: “No itsy-bitsy for little girl?”
BOOTH TWO: “No break at all, huh?”
“An’ me with my pants down.”
BOOTH SIX: “Waiter! Here’s somethin’ f’r you. Now you do somethin’ f’r me. Rhyme itsy-bitsy for Booth Five, an’ gimme a report on the gender sittin’ in Booth Two.”
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