Charles Ray was a popular juvenile star in the 1910s and ’20s, but by the ’30s, his career was on the rocks, and he turned to writing. Here’s another in a series of offerings from his book, Hollywood Shorts, a collection of short stories set in Tinseltown.Unseen Faces
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FOUR A. M. in a HOLLYWOOD CAFE
| BOOTH FIVE: | “You can’t rhyme anything with orange.” “Yes, I can, honey. Syringe.” “That’s stilly. Bet you can’t rhyme itsy-bitsy.’ |
| BOOTH THREE: | “Let’s play ‘As-low-as.’ You start it.” “Well, I feel as low as an empty bottle.” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Boy, that’s low!” a drunk chimed in. |
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| BOOTH FIVE: | “Bet you can’t rhyme itsy-bitsy.” “Wanta get me thrown out?” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Sure!” |
| BOOTH THREE: | “I feel as low as a hiccup starts. Top that!” “I feel as low as a gum wrapper in the subway.” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “” “Oh, cellophane!” the drunk humored. |
| BOOTH TWO: | “An’ me with my pants down.” “An’ then wad he say?” |
| BOOTH FIVE: | “You can too, rhyme itsy-bitsy!” |
| BOOTH FOUR: | “I just love champagne, don’t you?” “Yeah. Waiter, two beers!” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Louse!” |
| BOOTH FIVE: | “Go on, rhyme itsy-bitsy.” |
| BOOTH THREE: | “As low as an elephant’s trunk.” “As low as a dachshund’s pup.” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Oh, how low!” |
| BOOTH ONE: | “Whaddya want for nuthin’?” “Whaddya got?” “That ain’t no way to act!” |
| BOOTH THREE: | “As low as a torch-song’s wail.” “As low as Moanin’ Low!” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Oh, remorse!” |
| BOOTH ONE: | “I thought you said you liked me?” “Whaddya expect in a restaurant?” “Service.” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “That’s dirty!” |
| BOOTH FIVE: | “If you rhyme itsy-bitsy.” |
| BOOTH TWO: | “So I says: Why should I?” “An’ then wad he say?” |
| BOOTH FIVE: | “Please rhyme itsy-bitsy for little girl?” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Rhyme bitsy for her, or I’ll go nuts!” |
| BOOTH THREE: | “As low as an auto horn’s honk.” “As low as a horse’s—“ |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Oh, be careful!” |
| BOOTH THREE: | “A horse’s hoof.” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Oh, relief!” |
| BOOTH FIVE: | “I will if you rhyme itsy-bitsy.” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Oh, rhyme itsy-bitsy!” |
| BOOTH THREE: | “As low as an ant’s antennae.” “As low as a flea’s Uncle Peter.” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “There must be a mistake!” |
| BOOTH THREE: | “As low as a thermometer’s bottom!” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Oh, I can’t take it!” |
| BOOTH FIVE: | “Gotta rhyme itsy-bitsy!” |
| BOOTH TWO: | “So I says: You’re no gentleman!” “An’ then wad he say?” |
| BOOTH ONE: | “Can’t, got to powder my nose.” “Can’t you do two things at once?” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Oh, I’m passin’ out! Waiter!” |
| BOOTH FIVE: | “No itsy-bitsy for little girl?” |
| BOOTH TWO: | “No break at all, huh?” “An’ me with my pants down.” |
| BOOTH SIX: | “Waiter! Here’s somethin’ f’r you. Now you do somethin’ f’r me. Rhyme itsy-bitsy for Booth Five, an’ gimme a report on the gender sittin’ in Booth Two.” |
